August 20, 2017

Scrooge Returns, Opens Shop On EBay

Of all the humbug things to do at Christmas. A seller on eBay taught his kids a lesson last year (one they’ll be describing to a therapist one day) by putting an empty Nintendo GameCube box under the tree, wrapped up in sadism, and is encouraging others to do the same to fix their spoiled kids. This year, he’s selling a Wii box. The starting bid is $1.29, plus $20 for shipping the rocks that come with.

A fifth (yes, only a fifth, Mr. Cratchett, no more) of the proceeds will be donated to the Child Abuse Prevention Foundation.

Have you ever wondered:

1. Did parents ever really give their kids lumps of coal at Christmas for misbehaving? Or was that just a myth, like Santa (wait, Santa’s not a myth, not now, not ever), that they sold them to get them to straighten up?

2. If parents did, what did Santa bring Daddy in response to his behavior? An angry wife that won’t have sex with him?
The saga begins with our eBayer frustrated with his misbehaving children, spoiled by their mother he says, who gave them whatever extravagance they wanted at Christmas no matter how they behaved all year. So he decided to fix their wagon.

He bought a Nintendo GameCube, as the story goes at the auction webpage, took out the console, donated it to charity, and filled the empty box with rocks. After showing his wife, who doesn’t know it’s filled with sticks and stones and unspoken words (which always hurt by the way); he wrapped it up and put it under the tree.

The[y] unwrapped my present frantically. The look on their face when they see their dream toy followed by their crushed faces when they find out there was NOTHING in them and the HORRIFIED face of my wife while i laugh hysterically had beaten ANY christmas present i’d ever gotten. They cried and cried while hugging the walls like they were being tortured.

Merry Christmas, you suck.

Is this a joke? I don’t know. If it isn’t, I don’t want to talk to the guy. If it is, I still don’t want to talk to him. He’s giving other daddies ideas.

But his kids were quite a bit better behaved this year, he says, so he bought and actually gave them a Nintendo Wii early. The magic cardboard discipline machine (the empty box) is on sale for some other schmuck who doesn’t know how to manage his kids.

If you learn anything from Dr. Phil, or Nanny 911 for that matter, you learn that your kids’ behavior is the direct result (often the mirror or the inverse mirror) of their parents’ behavior.

If you’re a monster, they’ll be monsters.

Sincerely, because of all that Judeo-Christian ethic I have thanks to scores of happy Christmases, I hope the nursing home he ends up in is a nice one, devoid of abusive caretakers. The kids’ new number is a fake.